Remember the Typos: The Best of the Worst

For most writers the typo is just part of the game. We create them all the time. Some we catch on edits, but others remain invisible to us despite reading them over and over again.

For me, a perfectionist of sorts, coming across a typo, especially one overlooked many times, can be extremely annoying. But not all typos are horrible...well, they are, actually, but some are at least good for a few laughs. And they should be remembered.

So I present this blog post: The best of my worst typos.

From "The Candle Eaters": ...and as far as she could tell, naked and without discerning genitalia.

There's nothing worse than genitals with bad judgment.

From "Goddamn Electric": ...candles and flashlights casting ghostly shadows across their feces.

Scary shit.

From "A Deeper Kind of Cold": ...like honey from a maple.

The best honey comes from Vermont, or so I've heard.

From "The Shadow on the Wall": John shit down the PC.

I'm sure we've all used a shitty computer at one time or another. I've actually made this same typo at work.

From "Long Days to Come": Garret mashed another filter into the ashtray, spilling ass and butts across the table.

The image of this might be funnier than the typo.


More to come, unfortunately...

Heads Up!

If you're an author with access to the Internet, you've undoubtedly been bombarded recently by other authors peddling their books or stories. We've all been exposed to this before, but until the past year or so most self-promotion from authors was done in a classier, more respectful manner.

Some still operate that way (and we're grateful), but others have taken it to a whole new level.

I won't sit here and tell anyone they shouldn't promote their work or the work of their friends or authors they enjoy, but I will explain what typically happens on my end when authors do it incessantly.


[ what's that smell? ]

If you follow me on Twitter, I will likely follow you. If you do nothing but post links to your book or books, I will block you and vow to never read your work.

If I connect with you on LinkedIn and you immediately send me a message or an e-mail telling me to check out your book on Amazon, I will "disconnect" from you and vow to never read your book—especially when, as happened yesterday and thus prompted this post, I sample it and there is a mistake three words in. No, thank you!

If we're friends on Facebook and I've "liked" your author page—which is the page I expect to see writing updates generate from—and you go and post daily the same goddamn updates on your personal page, your author page, and every writing-related group you and I (sadly) belong to, even those that are not meant for such updates, I will block your updates, vow to never read your work, and find you to be a total wackadouche.

If you constantly post 5-star reviews on Amazon and then share those overblown, unhelpful reviews loaded with WHIZBANGPOW! adjectives and vague clichés like "it gripped me from the first word and didn't let go until the last"—which are obviously meant to A) kiss the (undoubtedly more popular) author's ass, B) hide the fact that you didn't actually read what you reviewed, and C) use his or her book as a piggyback to your own shitty book or books—I won't believe a word you're saying and more than likely will never read that author's book because your word can't be trusted.

(That's right, an absurd run-on sentence in a post where I criticize bad writing. Got a problem with that?)

The fact is, you're not helping anyone, especially yourself. Most of us promote our work in some regard, but some of you are OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL! I won't begrudge you your rights to be that way—that pushy, lying kind of self-promoter. You'll surely fool a lot of dummies out there. But I won't support you. And worse, I'll find it very hard to support those other authors that are unlucky enough to be promoted by you. They're the innocent bystanders in this whole thing. And some are probably damn fine writers, which is a shame.  

In the grand scheme of things, the big picture, this post is just one insignificant opinion from a relatively insignificant dude...but rest assured, I'm not the only one with this opinion.

So do as you will, but remember this: You can't push or lie your way to the top. You can push and lie your way to a top, sure, but it's most definitely not the top.

How's This For Perspective?

A few years ago, a homeless guy began cruising my street every Tuesday morning, digging through trash left out for pick-up. One morning, around 4 AM, I watched this guy from my window remove nearly all my trash from the bucket in front of my house, looking for cans (and probably other things I don't want to know about). He was kind enough to put about half the trash back into the bucket.

So I stopped putting redeemable cans in my trash, and he eventually stopped going through it.

Cut to yesterday, and my garage was overflowing with bags full of soda cans. Obviously I cared less about returning those cans for a nickel a pop and more about sticking it to a rude homeless man and his jangly shopping cart.

But I want to clean my garage soon, so Sarah and I piled all those nasty-sticky bags into my truck and her jeep, and took a trip to the redemption center...


[ my sad-faced truck piled high ]

...where those unlucky enough to be working undoubtedly cursed our cracker asses for the rest of the day.

Why? Because we walked away with $157.25. Let me explain.

Lately I've been working at living a healthier life, cutting out soda, going to the gym, eating better, and it's been working. Hell, after we returned those cans I went out and spent $500 on a Specialized Crosstrail mountain bike and an additional few hundred on accessories, like a big dorky-looking helmet. This is serious business, and returning all those soda cans put things into a much clearer perspective.

Do you know how many cans of soda you have to return to get $157.25? Oh, just 3,145.

THREE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED FORTY-FIVE!

And that's only what we saved at home; we obviously drank more than that. Sadly, most of it was mine, probably about 85–90%. That's scary when put in that kind of perspective. I know this number is from a couple years' worth of stuff, but I can't even fathom the fact that I drank that much soda. Chemicals, really. Poison, practically.

I'm glad I crave water when thirsty these days.

Enter the Gate—Free Admission!

If you're a Kindle owner, you can download The Gate 2: 13 Tales of Isolation and Despair at no cost today and throughout tomorrow.


[ Copyright © 2012 by Jesse David Young ]
As previously mentioned, this anthology features my story "The Candle Eaters," as well as work by Mercedes M. Yardley, Daniel Pyle, Steven Pirie, David Dalglish, Robert J. Duperre, and seven others.

So if you're looking for some great fiction at no cost, check out The Gate 2.

Your Cover Art Sucks

Let's talk about cover art.

There has been a self-publishing boom as of late. Once a surefire way to garner scorn from so-called professional writers, now even those dingleberries of the upper crust are self-publishing their work. With its rapidly growing popularity, there are those in the industry who suggest there is a bubble...and that it's about to burst. But I disagree. I think things are just getting started.

And that means more self-published books flooding the market.

There is an oft-used quote out there, which goes like this: "Just because you can doesn't mean you should."

A few years ago, when I started Shock Totem, a well-known author told me that cover art "isn't that important." The argument being that it's the content that matters more. It's hard to argue with that. However, I think, in a certain regard cover art matters more. The expression "never judge a book by its cover" exists because everyone judges a book by its cover.

First impressions matter. That initial connection between cover art and potential reader is intimate, and it matters more than you and the masterpiece you think is a page turn away.

I won't buy your book if the cover art sucks. I won't download it for free. I won't do more than laugh derisively like a too-cool uptowner and walk on. Haughtily.

I fully understand that the majority of writers doing this sort of thing are, to put it bluntly, bad writers; but many are quite good, in fact. And to them I say this: If you truly care about your work, seek out the work of professionals in areas where you are not King Dingaling. Dig deep. It doesn't cost much.

In other words, don't do this...



[ click photo to enlarge ]
Above are four actual book covers not designed by a 4-year-old.

Trapped inside the social-media matrix, I am bombarded daily with similar fruits of so many would-be writers' half-assed labor. You, as well, I imagine.

I see authors posting bad cover art all the time, constantly asking for opinions (which people freely give but which equates to little more than smoke up the ass), often readily admitting that he or she has little skill in Photoshop or design of any sort.

Thus, I question: If you are that person, why the fuck are you creating cover art?